My Funny Valentine Vignettes
GABRIELLA and JEREMY
Subtext Scene: Desire.
INT. DELI - ALMOST CLOSING TIME.
JEREMY (Mid 40’s English, dressed in a Preppy style) is staring pensively at the bewildering selection of fine wines. He is deep in thought.
GABRIELLA (Mid early 50’s Spanish, wearing her trademark starched white shirt and crisp black apron) enters unnoticed and leans casually against the cheese counter, with her arms folded. Beside her is a large red cardboard heart, advertising a two for one offer on Wine to celebrate Valentines Day. She is admiring JEREMYS bottom and is clearly amused by his inability to decide which wine to choose. She sidles up to him unnoticed and stands silently beside him for two beats.
GABRIELLA
(softly)
Is not so easy, eh Jeremy?
JEREMY
(surprised)
Oh. Erm... Gabriella.
GABRIELLA
Deciding what you want...
JEREMY
No, no, indeed it isn’t.
He looks down at her cleavage.
I mean, you have such great...
Realising that GABRIELLA has noticed him peering at her cleavage, he looks back at the wines abruptly.
I mean such a great selection. But still, it’s just not easy, is it? To know how to... I mean, what to do for the best. Erm, the best wine I mean.
GABRIELLA
(dreamily)
Ah, the best wine... The best wine, is the wine that we share with those we love.
JEREMY
(uncomfortably)
Oh. Ah, is it? Yes, indeed. Of course it is... Well, I suppose it would be. If you had someone to... Well...
He stares at the shelves of wines for two beats.
JEREMY (CONT’D)
(reflective)
I’ve never been very good at making decisions. And when it comes to choosing the right one, I mean. As you say, It’s, not so easy... After all, it’s a big...
GABRIELLA and JEREMY stare at the wines wistfully and speak simultaneously.
GABRIELLA and JEREMY
...Commitment.
GABRIELLA and JEREMY look at each other in a brief moment of connection.
GABRIELLA
Looks down shyly and adjusts the folded white linen napkin that is hanging from her apron pocket before staring back at the wine.
...I mean to say, is an investment... It’s a big...investment.
JEREMY
Still staring at GABRIELLA, JEREMY attempts to make eye contact.
Well, yes, yes that’s it exactly... It’s a big...
Awkward silence for two beats as JEREMY realises that GABRIELLA isn’t going to make eye contact and he turns back to stare at the wines.
JEREMY (CONT’D)
...investment, as you say... And you have an expectation of... Well, I mean you don’t want end up...
GABRIELLA and JEREMY
Simultaneously.
Disappointed...
GABRIELLA and JEREMY turn to face each other and then both turn to look at the wines.
JEREMY
(hesitantly)
Still staring at the wines.
The thing is Gabriella, I mean, what if you really like the look of someone... of a wine, but you’re not sure if they like... Well, what I mean is, how would I know whether to...? I mean it’s a big risk, if erm, if you’re not famous for your success with..., well, with wom, erm, wine.
GABRIELLA
(earnestly)
Turns to stare at JEREMY.
Is a big risk yes... But if you don’t make your mind up, maybe you miss out on something. Something really special. Sometimes you just have to give it a try, see what happens. You have to put your lips to the glass. Take a chance Jeremy.
JEREMY
Glances at Gabriella nervously.
Ah, lips, right. Yes, well, of course. I suppose you do, yes...
GABRIELLA
(enthusiastically)
So! Would you like to try?...
JEREMY
(embarrassed)
Oh! really? With the, with the lips you mean? What now? Well, it’s a bit, isn’t it? I mean, here, in the shop? Ah, well, No. Erm, thank you but, well the thing is, I, well, I haven’t flossed.
GABRIELLA
(exasperated)
What are you looking for Jeremy? Do you even know what you want? You come in here all the time and spend hours and hours just staring at my Beaujolais!...
She sounds the “s” at the end of Beaujolais to make it plural.
JEREMY
(embarrassed)
Oh. Ah, no, I wasn’t staring at them. Well, not for hours anyway. I mean, it doesn’t take that long... They’re not that big...
GABRIELLA
(irritated)
Tell me Jeremy, are you seriously interested in what I have to offer here? Or are you just wasting my time?
JEREMY
(floundering)
Yes. No! I mean, yes. Yes, I am interested, honestly... It’s just that... well. I mean, I really would like to give it a go, you know. With a erm, with a, a Spanish... But I’m just not sure that I... And if it doesn’t work out well then... The thing is, Gabriella... I don’t have much, well, any experience with Spanish, erm... In fact, I don’t have much experience with anyone, I mean, any wines really...
Looks dejected and turns to stare at the wines.
And I don’t really know what to erm...
GABRIELLA
(impassioned)
Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horn Jeremy.
She reaches out and makes a grabbing action in the direction of his groin as JEREMY instinctively pulls in his stomach and sticks his bottom out.
GABRIELLA (CONT’D)
Be brave! Fearless! Like the matador.
She takes the white cotton napkin from her apron pocket and taunts JEREMY with it playfully yet provocatively, as if goading a bull. JEREMY flinches nervously and steps backwards, holding up a hand in defence. Disappointed, GABRIELLA stops goading and takes a step backwards, widening the gap between them. She looks down at the napkin which she begins to fold back into its precise, neat, orderly shape and returns it to her pocket. JEREMY Raises his hands to his head to mimic horns. Unnoticed, he closes his hands into fists and sinks them deep into his pockets like a naughty schoolboy and looks at GABRIELLA.
JEREMY
(ruefully)
Oh erm, well... Perhaps you could teach me? ... What with you being so, experienced...
He looks hopefully at GABRIELLA who is toying with the corner of the napkin and refuses to make eye contact.
JEREMY (CONT’D)
...I mean, you must have had a few in your time. I mean wines that is, not, erm... And erm, probably a fair bit of that, as well, I expect... What with you being so... And what with all the wine and everything... I mean, alcohol inevitably leads to a bit of... You know... Well, it was always a pre-cursor for me... Though these days, it’s probably more of a pre-requisite... Well, anyway... You probably erm...
He takes a step towards her and lowers his head hoping to make eye contact for two beats.
So, what do you look for... In a, well... in a Wine? Gabriella?
GABRIELLA
Pauses for two beats and toys with her napkin, then raises her head and looks at the wines, avoiding JEREMYS gaze. She answers wistfully, smoothing the apron in her pocket.
For me, is always different...
JEREMY looks hopefully in GABRIELLAS direction.
It depends... What mood I am in...
JEREMY
(disheartened)
Of course, it does. Why wouldn’t it.
GABRIELLA
As if recalling a passionate memory.
...When I’m feeling hot, I want something strong, powerful, full bodied...
JEREMY
(doubtful)
...Ah, strong and powerful... I’m probably going to struggle with…
GABRIELLA
(reflectively)
...Other times... I want something sweet, rounded...
She draws the napkin slowly from her pocket.
JEREMY
(hopefully)
...Ah, now rounded I can do...
GABRIELLA
(playfully)
...but it has to be very rich... and fruity.
JEREMY
Holding his hand to his head as if to relieve a headache.
Oh... This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
GABRIELLA
(succinctly)
... Other times I like it dry.
GABRIELLA
(seductively)
Do you like it dry Jeremy?...
Drawing the rolled-up napkin through her hand.
...Dry can be nice...
JEREMY
(awkwardly)
Ah, well, erm, I’ve never tried it dry... I mean, I always worry about... Chafing...
GABRIELLA
(exasperated)
Ok Jeremy...
She sighs deeply, regaining her composure.
… So, this is what to do... If you really want to find the right one for you...
(impassioned)
You choose the one that reflects your emotions. The one that expresses how you really feel inside. So! Tell me!... What do you want?
JEREMY
(despondent)
Well... In that case... Do you have one that tastes of deep regret and bitter disappointment?
GABRIELLA and JEREMY look at each other with a shared expression of dejection.
GABRIELLA
No. But if I find one, I will order us a crate each.
End of scene
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