The Outwithers

Episode 2; Series 1.

The Love Boat

Sample Scene

INT - THE SHORE TING BEACH BAR.

Three MEN wearing work wear are sitting at the far end of the bar watching an episode of the Great British Sewing Bee. They are anxiously perched on the edge of their bar stools, fists clenched as if watching a world cup penalty shootout. One of the men can hardly bear to look as a contestant receives crushing feedback on her lambchop sleeves and two of the men clench each other’s hands.

NOAH (British afro Caribbean, early 30s and effortlessly cool in layered T-shirts, cargo shorts and vintage baseball boots.) is behind the bar, half watching the show while pulling pints of beer for the men, which he lines up in anticipation of the end of the program along with a box of man-size tissues.

JOHNATHAN (mid 40s, and lacking in both style and self-awareness is dressed in a beige shirt, brown Fairisle sleeveless jumper, grey tweed trousers, tan brogues and a grey silk bow tie.) enters the bar, clearly proud of his appearance.

JOHNATHAN
(heartily)

Yo! Barman, a glass of your finest, for the best dressed hotelier in town!

NOAH
(cheerfully)

Yo! John Tomas!

JOHNATHAN
(embarrassed, glances at the three MEN)

Erm, Johnathan please. Erm, bro. A John Thomas is eh erm...

JOHNATHAN gestures in the area of his groin.

NOAH
(mocking)

Well you sure look like a...

NOAH mimics the gesture in the direction of his groin.

Hell J.T! what are you wearing man? You look like a firkin Time Lord...

JOHNATHAN
(smugly)

An outfit like this is Time-less bro, it never ages.

NOAH
(laughing)

Yeah, you can say the same about Dr Who man, an’ he ain’t ever got no girlfriend either… Look, I ain’t being funny bro, but why don’t you do yourself a favour and buy yourself some style man?

JOHNATHAN scrutinises his attire in the mirror behind the bar.

JOHNATHAN

This is style… Isn’t it?... It’s a classic look, and class never goes out of style.

NOAH

An who told you that? Wait, don’t tell me...

NOAH and JOHNATHAN

Simultaneously.

The woman in the shop.

NOAH
(despairing)

Oh, please don’t tell me that you actually paid for that get up man... I’d cry if I found it.

JOHNATHAN

Well then, perhaps you’re not as cool as you think. Because apparently, it’s the new look.

NOAH

According to who? No, wait, don’t tell me... The woman in the shop.

JOHNATHAN
(supercilious)

Well, erm, no... Actually, I read it in a back edition of G.Q magazine.

NOAH
(mocking)

How far back? 1920? Nah, it ain’t no new look man. It’s an old look. An it makes you look old... How you ever gona get laid, if you look like my grandad?

JOHNATHAN

Well actually, I am going to get... Erm… Anyway, it’s not old. It’s traditional.

NOAH

Yeah, and my grandad was traditional too, man... In the end he was so traditional, we had to bury him. Anyways bro, all that time travel must have made you thirsty. So, what can I getcha?

JOHNATHAN
(coyly)

Erm, well... Nothing too strong, erm, barman. I, erm, Well, I need to remain erm, you know, erm, upright as it were.

NOAH
(surprised)

No kidding man? You got a date?

JOHNATHAN
(proudly)

Yes-I! Erm, I mean yes, I, certainly have.

NOAH

No way bro? Well, you kept that one quiet. So, come on, what’s the story? Who’s the lucky lady and when did you meet her.

JOHNATHAN
(awkwardly)

Well, erm, I met her today actually. So, tonight’s our first, erm, you know... Well, the first time we’ll, erm, well, if she wants to. Erm... which I’m sure she will. Erm, what with me being Boniebrea’s most influential entrepreneur... well, I mean, who wouldn’t?

NOAH

You met her today? And your already givin’ her the old Craig David treatment? Hey, you’re a fast mover man... So, where did you meet this woman? You never go any... Oh, no... Not the woman in the shop, man? Not the diva who hustled you in to those crazy threads man... Don’t tell me you fell for the old store card seduction?

JOHNATHAN
(uncomfortable)

What? No, erm, store card Seduction? ... well... I mean no. What me? Fall for an old trick like that... Of course not. I’m not a complete fool you know... As if I would... Erm... What’s the store card seduction. Not that I, erm, well... What is it?

NOAH

It’s a racket man. A scam. You know the one. It’s where the sales assistant makes like she’s really into you and gets you open a store card…

JOHNATHAN

A store card?... Erm…

NOAH

...and then she flirts with you and gets you to put a whole load of new stuff on it...

JOHNATHAN
(looks down at his clothes)

...Load of new stuff?... Erm...

NOAH

...on the promise of some fake special discount and a date that never happens.

JOHNATHAN
(optimistic)

Ah, well erm, that’s where you’re wrong Noah. Because Bethany did give me a special discount actually. She gave me a 10% off. And she gave me her mobile number...

NOAH

Of course she did bro! She wrote it down for you then and there. With one digit missing... And everybody gets 10% discount when they open a store card. That’s the thing init? So, Bethany or whatever her real name is, ain’t doin’ you no favours man. In fact, she ain’t gona be doin’ you at all. Cos there ain’t no special offer from the beautiful Bethany and there ain’t no mobile number and there ain’t no date.

JOHNATHAN
(defensively)

Well, she is called Bethany, actually because I noticed it was written on a badge pinned to her left breast... Erm, blouse... And it was printed on my receipt. Here, look, here it is. You were served by Bethany, and here is her number look, printed underneath with all 11 digits. So, erm, you are wrong about Bethany, and to prove it to you, I am going to call her right now...

NOAH
(philosophically)

No, man... You’re not.

JOHNATHAN

Look, I have her number stored in my phone...

NOAH
(shaking his head)

Seriously though, bro...

JOHNATHAN
(flustered)

... Erm, it’s on speed dial. So... I just have to press call... And, erm...

NOAH
(insistent)

Johnathan. It ain’t happening, man...

JOHNATHAN
(desperate)

Erm, well, erm perhaps I punched it in wrong. It’s erm, it’s the first time I’ve used it and...

NOAH

BRO!... (earnestly) It’s not a mobile number, man... It’s a transaction code... From the till...

NOAH holds up a receipt from his till as an example.

NOAH Cont.

They all have them man... It’s just a reference number...

JOHNATHAN
(disappointed)

...Oh... But she said it was her mobile number... And she, she underlined it... And she drew a little smiley face, look...

JOHNATHAN looks at the receipt in disbelief and offers it to NOAH who doesn’t look at it.

NOAH
(kindly)

...She played you man... She’s a fake.

JOHNATHAN
(crestfallen)

A fake?... I see... Well, I suppose... But she, she seemed so...

NOAH
(sympathetically)

Yeah, I know bro... They always do...

JOHNATHAN

...But why would she go to all that trouble, if she didn’t think that I was...

NOAH

...To hit her targets man... Get her bonus... It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there bro... Forget her, man... She’s a trickster.

JOHNATHAN
(dejected)

Yes. Of course… Why else?...

NOAH

...She wasn’t good enough for you man... You know?... Now, let me get us some drinks.

JOHNATHAN

... Drinks... Yes, good, yes. Good idea... Well, I mean... Yes, yes of course...

NOAH

Rum, is it bro? I got a special one I been savin’.

JOHNATHAN

Erm, rum, yes... Yes, please Noah... Thank you.

NOAH places two tumblers on the bar and pours a generous amount of rum in each. The two men each take a deep drink and sit in silence for two beats. A contestant has left the G.B.S.B and one of the MEN is being consoled by the other two.

NOAH

I’m sorry if I burst your bubble man... You know?... I didn’t mean to piss on your chips...

JOHNATHAN
(sadly)

...No... No, my, chips will be, fine...

NOAH

That’s good to hear, bro.

NOAH raises his glass and JOAHNATHAN raises his and meets it. They both take a drink and look wistfully into their glasses.

JOHNATHAN

...I could see that it was never going to turn into anything... Well, nothing, you know… Special...

NOAH
(sceptically)

Is that so?

JOHNATHAN

... And I knew as soon as I met her that she wasn’t good enough for me.

NOAH
(smiling)

Sure man. You knew that, right?

JOHNATHAN

Of course, I mean... A man like me... How could someone like her be... After all, how can a man of my social standing be seen dating a woman who works in retail?

End of scene

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